Senior Year | Fall Midterm Jitters

Education, Lifestyle, Uncategorized

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So I am finally a senior! It’s been five long years and I am so ready to cross that finish line. This year was supposed to be smooth sailing, I’d planned to finally have a social life, go parties, make friends, go out on dates and everything fun. Oh boy how was I fooling myself. As an English major I’m just stuck reading books and writing papers all day. I’m finding myself working overtime to get my gpa up after a horrible first year at Queens College.

My dedication throughout my first two years at community college rewarded me with my AA degree in Literature and Writing Arts and a 3.4  gpa but sadly life at a small school like Borough of Manhattan Community College was nothing life at Queens College. The classes are bigger, the work load is significantly heavier and the professors are less likely to make accommodations for the everyday circumstances of life. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t assholes but I’d wished someone would have warned me that things were gonna be so different.

Last year I when I started school at QC, I wanted to be involved on campus, I wanted to be part of something bigger than myself, I wanted to be a sorority girl! I thought it would have been a great way to make friends and build life long connections, someone should have also told me that Greek Life, given my age, personality and circumstances, wasn’t the way to go. I was a 24-year old pledge among bubbly playful 18 and 19 year olds but I figured that some way, some how we could still build a bond beyond the constraints of age. Wrong again! I was able to become acquainted with a few of the girls, I had a mom, a big and a twin of whom I was happy to get to know and love but after being unable to afford to pay dues, I saw our friendship fade away. I never became a sister but at least I thought the girls in my pledge class would still be willing to be my friend but, you guessed it, wrong! I was so disappointed, and looking back now, I’m disappointed in myself that I allowed that situation to affect my mood and also my gpa. I even tried to pledge again in the spring when I was more prepared financially but, they didn’t give me a bid, denied! I thought at least I would get a bid because they knew me and we did get to build some kind of connection, but maybe paying for friends wasn’t the way to go.

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It’s fall again, and no, I’m not pledging but I did join the yearbook club and I have been trying to be present at meetings however the schedule of a working college student isn’t as free as the average college kid. I can’t believe it’s almost midterm of my senior year already and the jitters are here too. I hate to admit it but I have been sucking up and kissing ass lately. I need these As! Do you know that you need at least a 2.0 gpa to graduate? Having a 1.7 gpa and being on academic probation really puts the odds against me but fortunately there’s a great possibility that my two INC grades  from the spring may be a bitter sweet opportunity to push my gpa over the borderline. It’s not going to be easy but I am determined to get all As this semester. My math isn’t all that great, but if my calculations are correct, if I get at least three As this semester and 3 As next semester I will be able to graduate with at least a 3.0, not too shabby for a girl who spent both of her entire junior and senior years on academic probation right?

Hope without work yields no results so I need to be consistent in my efforts toward my academic success. Although it seems like I may never get the oh so amazing college experience that I’ve always wanted, I value my long term success way more than a few shallow friendships and frat parties.

Love on the Brain | When Love Isn’t Enough

Lifestyle, Relationships

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Isn’t love lovely? It’s the most euphorically stimulating experience that mesmerizes our inhibitions. At least that’s how I felt. I wanted to spend every moment of every day with him; and it seemed like we did because we worked together and when we weren’t at work we talked endlessly on what’s app. I still remember the way he smells, I loved the way he smelled. I loved the way his beard tickled my forehead when we laid next to each other. I loved listening to the vibration of his smooth voice as I laid my head on his chest. I loved how willing he was to make me laugh. I loved our dates. I loved his kisses. I loved our deep conversations. I loved that he supported my dreams. I loved that he wanted to be with me. I loved all these things and so much more that I thought we were meant for each other. I thought we’d be together, if not forever, at least for a long time.

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Our coworkers thought we made the perfect couple, I was proud to be his girlfriend. One coworker, who I thought was my friend, even got extra petty and bitter with me when she found out about our relationship. He became my drug. I hate to admit it now, but I was addicted to his voice, his touch, his embrace. I wanted to be around him so much that I was willing to skip school to spend time with him. I’m not going to pretend he didn’t have faults, there were moments when we didn’t agree, but I was willing to look past whatever to make things work between us. I opened up to him, I let him in, I shared with him things about myself that I’d hidden from my closest friends. I was my most affectionate and submissive self with him. I tried my best to do everything and anything within reason to show him my love. We’d joke about moving in together until we started to make plans about our potential future when we’d move to Texas after I graduate from college. I was really convinced that our love was blooming.

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I never questioned his feelings for me. It had only been just over four months, but I never noticed any signs to trigger suspicion. We weren’t spending as much time together as before because he started  a new job but whenever our schedules matched we spent it together. One afternoon he came over after work and I was so happy to see him. He started telling me about an altercation he faced with an ex-girlfriend showing me the scratches on his face and neck. I couldn’t believe, in this day and age, that women still went savage on men when they didn’t get their way. I believed his story. I trusted him.

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A few hours later, when I checked my facebook, I had a message waiting for me from, let’s call her Clara. Clara didn’t waste any time getting to the point. Of course I am paraphrasing but she basically told me that she was “fucking my man.” Apparently she was the savage he tried telling me about but clearly he left out the most important detail. Of course he denied it at first but eventually he told me the truth. Not the whole truth, but enough to make me feel willing to forgive him. He made it seem as though it happened when we just started talking. I didn’t get too upset.

A couple weeks later, Clara texted me while I was at his house, telling me the same old tale and I explained to her that it was okay, its in the past and its over; until she told me they were together recently, in his bed! After he denied it again I called Clara and started making plans for us to meet with her so we could put all her accusations to rest, to which he admitted to his cheating. I was extremely hurt, embarrassed and upset. Despite my frustration, his tears made me willing to forgive him again.

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Although my relationship was falling apart before my eyes was I still willing to do my best to pick up the pieces. I loved him so I was willing to work on whatever it was that was gnawing at the trust we built. I was willing to overlook his disloyalty and lack of judgement for the sake of love. Unfortunately, I was the only one trying to fix our broken relationship. He started pulling away, he’d say he wanted to work on us but his actions continued to contradict his words.

After a couple weeks he finally broke up with me, but I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want to give up on a relationship that I had invested so much time and energy into. He had become my best friend, the one I wanted to spend all my time with. His absence made me feel incomplete and depressed. I’d call him, and he didn’t want to talk to me, He started ignoring my calls and my messages. I became so desperate that I had my best friend call him to play relationship counselor, that didn’t work of course. He didn’t want me anymore. He wanted nothing to do with me. When he’d finally pick up the phone I’d beg him to explain why he didn’t want to be together anymore, and to this day I still don’t know because all he’d say was, “I have nothing more to say.”

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Unwilling to give me the explanation and closure I so desperately needed, I was left to fix my broken heart alone. I was so ashamed, when my coworkers would ask about him I’d feel so awkward, I even pretended like I was unbothered by my failed relationship. Although I was crumbling inside I had to smile and act like everything was alright.

My love, my loyalty, my forgiveness, my trust wasn’t enough. I used to think that I wasn’t enough, I wanted to know where I went wrong, foolishly I questioned my self back and forth, combing through everything I did and everything I said trying to figure out why I wasn’t enough, but it has taken three years for me to figure out that even though I felt like I wasn’t enough, it was him who fell far short of worthy. It’s easy for me to look back now and criticize how stupid I was, but I’ll accept it as a learning experience.

You can’t force someone to see if they refuse to open their eyes. We give our all to the ones we love yet they refuse to appreciate our commitments. Despite a woman’s nature to hold it down and hold it together, sometimes we have to be strong enough to let go. We need to stop allowing people to make us feel insufficient, insecure and incomplete. We’re too strong to allow men to make us weak! We deserve the best and nothing less!

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The Daily Post | Launch

Lifestyle, The Daily Post

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What do you want to be when you grow up? Every kid is probably asked this question a few times throughout his childhood long before he even has to start making direct decisions in pursuit of his dream. It’s quite normal for a person’s foresight to change throughout the different stages in his life. There’s our kindergarten fantasies, elementary and middle school curiosities, high school dreams, college goals and then were expected to have our life’s plans.

The average college freshman enrolls with an undeclared major, relatively undecided about what career he wants to pursue. Maybe after taking his rudimentary college courses, by the time he is a sophomore, he should be able to make a fair guess about what journey his life’s path involves. Although, as a senior in college I’m still not too sure about where my life is going. As an English major/Studio Art minor, I was leaning toward journalism and editing however, after working in an after school program, I gained interest in education. I could see myself motivating and inspiring young minds like Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers, but then again I’d have to go back to graduate school for education certification, not impossible but surely quite costly.

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Since I’ll be graduating in the spring, by now you’d think I’d be preparing for internships, and I am, after all the purpose of this blog is to create a portfolio, yet I still find myself applying to internships within the education field. Can I be an English teacher by day, Essence Magazine columnist by night? Is it possible to be efficient and successful in two careers simultaneously?

Just like NASA’s largest rocket of all time, set for it’s 2018 launch, designed to take astronauts further into space than ever before, I too have my own 2018 launch to prepare for after I graduate. For anyone, like myself, who can’t seem to define a clear path to follow, it is imperative that we work extra hard to gain the accomplishments we desire. Put in that overtime! We have to work twice as hard to launch ourselves as far as possible into the magical realm of success and happiness that we’ve been fantasizing about since childhood.

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Success isn’t made overnight! A lot of college students fall into the post graduation syndrome trap due to lack of planning. Its quite easy to fall off the hype of being a college grad into the pits of unemployment and frustration. Thankfully, many colleges offer workshops, seminars, job fairs and career days for their students, some of which are exclusive to upcoming graduates–where you’d find the most opportunities to help with devising strategies to approaching internships and jobs.

Start applying to internships and jobs you see yourself having after graduation during your senior year. Although most jobs may require that you must be a college graduate, be sure to create a telling resume and cover letter expressing your experience, knowledge and favorable attributes. Be assertive and confident, yet willing and humble in your cover letter describing your drive and eagerness to gain hands on experience. Even though you may not get a response every time, some employers admire proactive applicants and they may even offer you an interview.

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Practice makes perfect! Many websites have generic sample interview questions that you can use to practice. With consistent practice answering these questions in detail paired with some research about the company or industry to which you are applying you’d be able to gain confidence and it would also help relax those silly interview jitters.

So far, I have been to two interviews for positions within education. One interview went extremely well, but I couldn’t land it just yet. Although I had the experience and recommendations, I didn’t have the necessary teacher’s assistant certification. My most recent interview though went horribly wrong, the complete opposite of the first. I had the qualifications, yet I didn’t have the appropriate experience. Nonetheless, since it was a group interview, I did get to meet some great people and learn about their different experiences throughout their careers working with children.

I have not been discouraged, and as I continue to seek out journalism internships, I am determined to publish articles on my blog nurturing my writing style as well as building my audience as I prepare for my 2018 launch into success.

The Daily Post | Launch