Stepping on the scale for the first time in 2 years was like opening a report card you know you tanked while still wishing for some divine miracle to magically work up the results you desire. It’s ironic that when I was a size 8 at 169lbs I would find the littlest reason to complain about my weight. Pointing out all the dimples on my butt and now, when I look in the mirror, my double chin screams “fatty!!!” My muffin top, armpit fat, bat wings and my chaffing thighs hate me every time I over eat, or even when I eat in general.
How did I get this big? When I think of my weight, every hour of every day, a barrage of questions that I can’t answer would bombard my mind. I’m not sure if it’s so much that I couldn’t answer them as much as it was my knowing the answer paired with my stubbornness to acknowledge and accept the truth. My jeans went from a size 8 to a size 10 and now I’m bursting out of my favorite size 12 extra stretch old navy jeans. Once upon a time I used to be a double D, but now, wearing 36GG, I don’t even look or feel like myself anymore. I would pretend that I was okay with my new body but why pretend anymore. I absolutely do not like the way I look or feel. These love handles do not love me and I don’t love them either!
Over the past two years, after a bad break up, I’ve depended on poor habits as a source of comfort and pleasure. I would wake up at 1am and have pancakes or a scrumptious bacon and egg sandwich, food became all I wanted all the time. Despicable! Now, thinking about it, I have been using food as rewards for the most trivial things. I got through a two hour class–food, I got through two hours at work–food, I got through my daily commute–food. Although I’d say my eating habits are kind of bad, I’ve heard of worse so I won’t be over critical about my meal choices. What I was guilty of, though, is extreeeeme laziness. Would you believe until about two months ago I used to lay down and eat? I was the ultimate Garfield.
I’d be so sleepy after a meal I’d have to take a 1 hour nap or I’d probably collapse. My food fatigue went from being occasional ‘itis’ to the inability to stay awake throughout the day like an average person. As I’m writing, I’m so disappointed in myself. As a teenager I’d practiced martial arts three days a week since the age of 12 up until I moved to New York at 21 for college. I’m 25 now, and you’d think it would have been easy to get back on track, but my interest in working out just didn’t exist anymore. I’m tired of being overweight, at 219lbs I’m what doctors would call obese! A change has to be made.
I’ve never been one to hop on the bandwagon or follow the latest trends, but I’ve been following a few fitness enthusiasts who all recommend, with results, three things, intermittent fasting, apple cider vinegar detox water and my least favorite, cardio. It’s 4pm and I just enjoyed my last meal of the day, I won’t be eating again until my next 4 hour food window tomorrow between 12pm and 4pm. It may seem extreme but I’ve seen a lot of youtubers rave about their results which I hope to have as well. My morning and night time routine involves a 16oz glass of apple cider vinegar water and if I’m really really hungry I’ll have a couple nuts or a piece of fruit. It’s a challenge going from eating to comfort cravings to eating for nourishment however I am determined to succeed. My biggest fight is usually at 2am or 3am when I used to have my late night snack but it’s really a battle for the mind. I realized at 3am I’m not hungry but bored, lonely and in need of emotional support. I find that a glass of water and binge watching YouTube videos of weightloss journey stories helps. I’m still working on fitting in a consistent cardio routine in my schedule but Rome wasn’t built in a day right? I’m taking it all in stride, accomplishing realistic goals, one day at a time.